|Our “green pastures”|
I was praying this morning and had some very intimate time with the Lord.
I have been home for 3 days now, and typical of my reactions to working in trauma is that my emotions peak about day 3 of my return. Last night I watched, “A Walk to Remember” thinking it may be good to cry. I was wrong – it would have been better to laugh. I woke up very fatigued and in the midst of some self- pity. I was in need of some genuine Jesus time to renew my strength. If Dave had been here, I most likely would have turned to him. God has worked this situation to my good, even in my reluctance to accept His will in Dave’s absence.
I was praying for others and meditating on His word, when I looked out the window admiring the amazing beauty of God’s creation – the mountain views, the ponds and animals, the green grass and trees – the PEACEFUL setting – all the many blessings Dave and I enjoy in our property.
My prayer shifted to the rare but occasionally real presence of God that seems as easy as chatting over coffee – (something I long for on a daily basis and have found more since Dave is not here to have coffee with me) something like this:
Me – “My Lord, you ask too much of me. My family will be scattered and I won’t have the beauty of the mountains to bring me peace. My whole life I longed for the life I have now. How can you take this away? What of Dave? He loves this life even more than I do. “
Jesus – “My child, I think this conversation you need to call me Jesus, and see me as Your friend, and not your Lord or God.” (John 15:15)
Me – “My Lord, I cannot obey you in this move if I do not see you as my Lord. Would a friend ask another to make such a painful sacrifice?” (John 15:13)
|Our creek and waterfall|
Jesus – “Jamie, What you see as a sacrifice, I see as a promotion – a door to open, an opportunity to be grasped. Don’t you wish for your friends that they grab a hold of all that I have for them?” (Prov. 3:5; Jer.29:11)
Me – “It does not feel like an opportunity, but another possible trial. A loss, a lonely and fearful readjustment to all things new. [Our 19th move] The loss of church family, our friends. More loss for my children. I am afraid that if I live in the suburbs, I won’t be able to find You. You will be as lost to me as the mountain views. I find YOU in the peace of country life. I have always know the glory of God through the heavens at night – even as child. I longed for what you have given me – a glimpse of heaven in my life. I leave pain and destruction to find peace here. Jesus, YOU know this. You ask too much. ” (I Cor. 2:9)
Jesus – “Jamie, I have never asked you to do anything that you can’t handle. Even when you believed I asked too much, you were both able to bear it. You have endured all things by My strength – you both have. You will handle this too – together- and glorify me. Together, you and Dave will grow through this. He will love me more.” (I Pet. 3:6b -7; James 1:2-4)
Me – “Lord, you think too much of me – too highly of me. Ask what You will, but I may not glorify You through it all. I am afraid that my old ways will rise up and I will be angry with You. That I will only see you as Lord, and not my Friend. I will need Your help – your grace, and your strength. We both will.” (Isaiah 41:10)
Jesus – “Jamie, when you look at the stars, you see the glory of God and find peace there. But when I look at you I see the face of God. I see the beauty of my creation and my own likeness, I see LOVE. When you minister to others – you do it because you love me. You see me in them. Will you let me minister to you because you believe I love you? That in you I see the image of my Father? You are my friend, because I chose you.”(Gen 1:27; I John 4:7; 5:1; Matt. 25:40; John 15:16)
Me – ” I believe Jesus. Help me with my unbelief. Help me to see myself through Your eyes. Will you hold me Jesus, like Dave does?” (Matt. 9:23-24)
“My child, I already am. My embrace encircles you both, you just need to lean back and rest in my arms. Trust me Jamie. Have I let you down before?” (I Cor. 10:13; John 14:27)
Me – “I trust you Jesus, but you better not let go, the fall from a horse hurts way more now at 52.”
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
The Holy Bible : Today’s New International Version. 2005 (Ps 37:3–7). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.