This morning I began attending a bible study at the local Evangelical Presbyterian Church in our town. I had been invited by a close neighbor who attends the church. I really want to connect in my local community beyond the church fellowship on Sunday which is not my town. I liked the way my neighbor expressed they study the bible, pray for each other, and hold each other accountable. I need accountability – I have a tendency to pull away when I feel pain. In the larger church group I have found in the past that when I pulled away no one noticed – not a good thing when you are feeling isolated and alone to begin with.
Pulling away in pain and avoiding conflict in relationships ends up destroying relationships. I fear rejection. Relationships have conflict – life has conflict – we were rejected in the garden. It is a demon we all face in life. That is the Truth that is setting me free. We were rejected in the Garden, but Jesus gave us the garden of His heart to grow in.
I find I have a few relationships where the temptation to avoid conflict- the fear of rejection – means I produce more conflict by avoidance. It always catches up with me – in one way or another. You can’t be in a leadership position and avoid conflict – it is part of life. Conflict means rejection. God is dealing with my issues of rejection one terrible conflict at a time. And yet, when I feel powerless in a conflict, it triggers the partially trained sadistic demon (ptsd) to go on a rant again, bringing me back to a, “Are you friggin’ kidding me,” when is the Truth going to set me free once and for all?
Today is one of those days I need to face a conflict – not a big one – that is the problem of avoidance – they seems ridiculously big. I skirt it, I dance around it, I tell another about it, I fear it, I dread it. What if I am rejected again? Can I handle it.
You are my Truth Jesus. You hear it all, you see it all, you know my heart. Frail and broken as it is most of the time, you have been healing the broken pieces one at a time. You quiet my racing heart and help me to face the giants you have chosen for me. To prove me. To strengthen me. I don’t know how people without faith in God face giants. I don’t even have a sling and a stone like David, I have only my fists and my faith; my fists pounding against the chest of an immovable God while my faith knows He loves me all the more for the pounding. He can take a few bruises – He took more than that.
Some would say I am deceived – weak minded to place faith in a God instead of myself. I have faith in the me that He created to face the giants. But me alone – nah, not gonna happen. Tried that before, and I always end up crawling back to God asking Him to pick me up again. Daddy, I can’t do this alone, please hold my hand and help me walk. If I am delusional, this is a wonderfully freeing delusion. You will know the truth….
I was reminded today of a poem I wrote in 2011 about the death of Micaiah – it was the first public acknowledgement of pain about his death I made.
I told the Lord I hated Him, I thought He’d hate me too.
Instead He said, “That’s just one of the sins I bore for you.”
I told the Lord He wasn’t fair, children should never die.
He said, “I’m glad you’re telling me and free to question why?”
Why is life so filled with pain when You’re the God of light?
Why allow such suffering when You can make it right?
Is this really for Your purposes or is it just some ploy?
To play with us a game of fate, a twisted cosmic toy?
I felt a drop upon my face as tears fell from the sky,
Reminding me of God’s great love descending from on high.
He spoke these words into my heart, and burned them in my soul,
Stay honest in your pain with me for I will make you whole.
Religious fronts and masquerades are Evils entity,
The truth of your heart is in my hands, and the Truth will set you free.
Note: If this is your first visit to my blog; We lost a child in a spiritually abusive cult (Hobart Freeman’s “Faith Message”) in 1990. Some of the excerpts are part of a book project about those years and my journey of healing.