When you start to admit publicly you were part of a cult, you definitely have moments of insecurity. I have been told occasionally that I can be “intimidating.” I can only assume that when I was young I wore a mask to cover up my insecurities, and that the mask became a part of my reality. I don’t wear a mask – I am often too transparent, (um yeah – this blog) but confidence has become a part of who I am. Sometimes. In myself I am nothing, but to my good Friend I am everything. It sure helps to have friends who thinks you are awesome, and who you can run to when you admit the utterly, unbelievably ridiculous, mistakes of your past. (Especially if some of your kids don’t see it that way yet.) It becomes even more vital when those mistakes were made by the influence of people who said they had the same Friend! I am so glad I have gotten to know Him well enough to trust His advice and not all the others. Many people don’t have a clue what real, unconditional friendship means, but he does. He is teaching me and on some days I can even grasp it enough to love some others.
The other day when I attended a local bible study for the first time, I was feeling anxious to be starting over again – wondering if I would find real friendship there. I have been in this place a year and don’t have much of a social life – old age and mistakes of the past (even recent past) has made me a bit gun-shy, and weary of the motives of some individuals. I am even more weary of all the moves over our lifetime and starting over again…and again… and again…<big sigh> But as I settled in with this new group of ladies who seem to have the same Friend, I began to relax and enjoy myself.
Then it was over, and a dark cloud descended upon me- uncertainties – I don’t even really understand where they came from or what they were about. I felt utterly alone and had to keep from crying on the ride home. Starting over, again.
In this swiftly approaching storm cloud all I could do was bask in the presence of the One Friend who brings Sonshine. The One who I knew would hug me, tell me to look up, and slap me on the back, “Get over it Jamie, it’s OK, you did fine. When are you going to remember how much I love you? You are perfect to me. The best friend I could ask for!” Wow. Perfect. He sees me as I will be, not as I am.
“I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me.”
It is awfully nice to have a Friend who rules the universe. Booyah! And so I am sharing a love poem I wrote for my friend.
I enter the room.
Darkness binds me.
Light unties the knots.
Is there really Love in this place?
Time to leave.
Darkness follows me.
He is here.