I was short with my son Samuel -again. I neglected to focus on the most important tasks in my day – again. I spent money I didn’t have on a Latte – again. I fell back into thoughts of my Judas experience – again. I lost focus on the task at hand – again. I was mad at Dave – again. And again. I neglected to seek guidance – again. I lacked patience with my loved ones – again. I didn’t spend enough “alone” time with Jesus. Again. And again. And again. And again.
The words of condemnation used to ring in my ears second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, whispering lies about how far away God was from me – and me from him . The road to follow Christ is full of distractions both beautiful and scary, and very, very, long. As a matter of fact, it lasts a lifetime. Like a GPS, sometimes the path to follow Jesus seems outdated or avoidant of certain roads; we get misdirected with a voice of “recalculating, recalculating…” ringing in our ears.
Instead of viewing the times I have felt completely lost as if I had thrown myself in reverse, I know it to be a mere delay in the journey forward. A pit stop along the way. Sometimes the stop literally is a pit – full of darkness, and I awaken confused, wondering how I ended up miles away from where I started. It’s as if some force sucked me backwards along a dark highway at 75 miles per hour and I am completely discouraged by thoughts of, “…how on earth did I end up here – again?”
Discouragement leads to disillusionment, and disillusionment leads to despair.
Discouragement can be defined as: to deprive of the will to persist in something.
Disillusionment can be defined as: to destroy the ideals of.
Despair can be defined as: loss of hope.
It took many years of failure to hear the voice that tells me my circumstances are not the focus, people are not the focus, sin management is not the focus, the road is not the focus, “What is that to you? You must follow me.” (John 21:22)
I yelled at Sam again Lord. Sam, the one who is without guile and full of kindness, tender and deserving of my best. What is that to you, you must follow me. I fought with Dave again Lord, when he was trying so hard to make amends. Take my hand and come with me. I didn’t act with love towards my enemy today. Take my hand and come with me. I didn’t’ seek counsel when I should have Lord. Follow me. I acted badly…I spent money I shouldn’t have… I missed it again Lord, and again, and again…
Follow me. Follow me. Follow me. Stay persistent, keep the ideals, always moving forward in hope.
I open my eyes to the realization that somehow I am miles ahead of where I veered off, and I don’t even know how I got here. I am propelled by a force that keeps pulling me forward, even when I am too wore out to see the progress. And then the realization hits me – I am not where I used to be. It’s a well traversed road, full of far more beauty than darkness.
I am following you Lord.
“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 1:6